Dear Eric: I have been a Thanksgiving guest of my dear friends for decades.
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About three years ago, they learned a friend of mine, with whom they are acquainted, had no plans for the day. So, she was invited and now attends annually.
The hosts are kind and generous friends, and they offer their guests the opportunity to take home doggie bags.
My friend is first in line and often takes enough for two to three people, regardless of the amount of food remaining and the number of people there. She then freezes the bounty since she will be gone (her family does Thanksgiving the weekend after).
My hosting friends are too nice to say anything to her. She is financially stable so it’s not that she isn’t sure where her next meal is coming from. Also, the hosts provide the entire meal, so she brings nothing to the mix.
Although tone-deaf, my friend is extremely sensitive, so I am reluctant to say anything. Do you have any advice? Do I just accept that this is how my friend is (she has taken advantage of other situations in the past) or say something?
– Embarrassed Friend
Dear Friend: Some might call this greedy; some might call it prudent. Some might say it’s a metaphor for the ills of society. But if the hosts don’t have a problem with it, neither should you.
I understand the feeling of secondhand embarrassment, since she’s someone that you know better than they do. So, you may want to ask them if her habit with the leftovers is something they’ve noticed or are bothered by.
But, as the hosts, they’re setting the table and the parameters. They’re not asking anyone to bring anything and they’re encouraging their guests to take food home. If they wanted to set a limit on the number or size of doggie bags, they could.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He has one daughter. He and her mother divorced when she was 8, and it was rancorous.
Sadly, her mother died suddenly when she was 19, just before my husband and I started dating.
When we married, the daughter refused to acknowledge it or attend the party held later to celebrate the wedding and her father’s 50th birthday.
I was completely ghosted, apart from her cruel gibes such as posting on social media pictures of her past family to mark our first anniversary. When she was married, I attended but was treated as a pariah.
No amount of trying to talk about it got through to her. I decided it was best for me to stop trying to connect with her.
A few years go by, and she and her husband are having a baby. She suddenly appears for a visit and acts as if none of her ugly behavior had ever happened. I chose to embrace her and really put my all into it, but it has been a struggle.
As I’ve gotten to know her, I realize I don’t like her very much. She’s manipulative and selfish and opens up to me only when she wants something. I’ve been the sucker who has showered money and expensive items on her and her family over the years.
Her father was recently very sick, and I spent months nursing him to health. She didn’t contact him much and never once checked in with me.
This is a person who doesn’t like me either, just the perks. Realizing this, I’ve once again moved on emotionally. I feel liberated from this effort, but also guilty. Any advice?
– Dad’s Wife
Dear Wife: There’s the relationship you’d like to have with her, the relationship she wants to have with you and the relationship you both currently have. None of those seem to be aligning.
The guilt you’re feeling may stem from the belief that maybe if you did something differently or gave her more time or more patience, you’d get the relationship you want. That’s understandable but it’s not guaranteed.
It also doesn’t take into account the kind of relationship her actions indicate she wants.
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One thing I’m not seeing here is a conversation about the harm done in the past. It’s OK to say, “I understand that you were grieving, but some things happened that weren’t right, and we should talk about them so we can move forward.”
But she and you have to be open to the vulnerability and the rebuilding that is required. It sounds like that’s just not where either of you are.
Mostly what you’re being liberated from is your unmet expectation. Acknowledge the reality that the semi-distant relationship you have may be what’s best for both of you right now. You can remain open to the possibility of more but remember that more requires effort on both sides.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
