DEAR HARRIETTE: An old friend of mine recently passed away. As I was trying to help the family coordinate some details, I realized that I was no longer friends with him on social media.
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We had a falling-out years ago, and he must have blocked me.
I have since learned that other former friends had been blocked, too. It seems like he held a grudge against a number of us toward the end of his life.
I feel so conflicted over this. I loved him as a friend for years, but now I’m feeling dissed all over again.
I don’t want to harbor bad feelings about him, but this is making me sad. How can I handle this compounded grief?
— In Agony
DEAR IN AGONY: My best recommendation is to hold on to the good memories you have of your friend and forgive him for whatever else occurred.
It is sad that you and others experienced negativity with this person, but there is nothing you can do about it now.
To heal from this loss and all that it means to you will take time and tenderness. Do your best not to get caught up in bashing him with the others who are feeling hurt. Stay positive, and allow forgiveness to be your salve.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a woman in my 20s, and lately, my self-esteem has taken a serious plunge.
Just a year ago, I felt confident, vibrant and happy with who I was. Recently, though, things have shifted, and I find myself constantly comparing myself to other women, whether it’s their looks, careers or social lives.
It feels like I can’t measure up, no matter what I do, and these comparisons have been taking a massive toll on my mental health.
I’ve tried to combat these feelings of comparison by focusing on self-care. I’ve gotten haircuts, treated myself to facials and even kept up with getting my nails done.
While these things temporarily make me feel a little better, the confidence never seems to stick. The moment I’m back on social media or surrounded by people, I feel inadequate again.
I know confidence is supposed to come from within, but I feel so stuck. How do I stop this endless cycle of comparison and learn to feel good about myself again?
— Insecure
DEAR INSECURE: In this age of social media, it can seem impossible to not compare yourself to others for a million reasons.
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You may want to pause using social media in all forms. Focus on you and what interests you. Figure out what is fun for you, and do more of that.
Scrutinize your relationships and decide to spend time only with positive people. You don’t have to say anything to the people who are naysayers or braggarts; just stop hanging out with them.
Also consider therapy. A professional can help you dive deeper into your own life to help you examine the root causes for your insecurity. That support may help you gain coping skills that can keep you feeling strong, no matter what comes your way.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
