DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been the person to plan fun events for my friends.
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In retirement, my husband and I have moved to a golf community in a new state, and I’ve continued to organize outings — from just a few friends out for lunch to large holiday outings for ladies only. (My husband is not well and does not care to socialize, so I don’t plan couples events.)
Some women are always happy to attend, but never reciprocate. I’m thinking of no longer inviting those women, and wonder what I should say if they ask why they were not invited.
Years ago, a friend remarked that I hadn’t called her to do anything that winter, and I replied, “The phone works both ways.” Apparently, that was too harsh. Any more subtle replies?
GENTLE READER: For that years-ago comment: “I assumed since I hadn’t heard from you that you were busy this season.”
As for your current situation, omitting those women from future outings seems reasonable to Miss Manners.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a long train journey to work each day, and I always gravitate towards the “quiet carriage.” But invariably, there are some passengers who believe the rules have no application to them.
They believe that they, for no blindingly obvious reason, sit above and outside the rules. They carry on loud, pointless conversations as though no one can hear them. There are others who eat loudly, and still others who have yet to be introduced to the humble tissue or handkerchief.
And don’t even get me started on all those filthy coughers, who clearly learned nothing from the pandemic.
What can I say to these utterly shameless rule-breakers? I want to enforce the rules and basic standards.
And before you suggest it: Yes, I have noise-canceling headphones. They help, but don’t fully remove the endless sniffing, hacking and talking.
GENTLE READER: A polite, whispered, “Excuse me, but I believe this is the quiet car” or a point to the sign — or even asking the ticket taker to help, if one happens to walk by — are acceptable ways to address loud talking.
But for those who sniff or cough, Miss Manners can only suggest you offer them a tissue — and some sympathy for the fact that they are probably not doing this solely to annoy you.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an old and very dear friend. We have known each other for over 40 years, and although we live thousands of miles apart, we get together a couple of times a year.
My friend is extremely wealthy, while I am middle-class. She has sent me a huge check to help me out with some of my family’s difficulties. How do I respectfully return this?
GENTLE READER: “You are such a dear to offer to help out, but I cannot accept your money. I will, however, continue to depend upon you for emotional support, if I may. In fact, let us plan our next get-together. It would cheer me immensely.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
