DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is constantly asking to borrow things from me.
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It started off small, like asking for a phone charger or a sweater, but now it’s escalated to bigger things like $300 loans or valuable items that are hard to replace.
She always promises she’ll pay me back or return whatever she borrowed, but more often than not, I never see the item or money again.
It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, but I don’t know how to handle it. Every time she asks, I find myself saying yes, even when I don’t want to, because I hate confrontation and feel terrible about saying no.
I don’t want to ruin our 10-year friendship, but I’m starting to feel resentful.
How can I set boundaries with her without coming across as selfish or damaging our relationship? How do I get her to understand that it’s not OK to keep borrowing without returning what she owes?
— Hand Out
DEAR HAND OUT: Your first step should be learning to say no! You must do it.
If you can muster the courage to tell her why, fine. If not, just say no. No, you can’t lend the money this time. No, she can’t borrow the sweater. No to whatever the request is.
Eventually, she may ask why. That’s when you can explain that the “sharing” has always been a one-way relationship where you give and she takes. You’re done with that.
DEAR HARRIETTE: It’s been a month since I lost my dad, and it’s been hard for me and especially my mom.
He was the provider for our family — both financially and emotionally — and he always taught us to strive to be better every day.
Now that he’s gone, I feel as though a huge part of me is missing, and I’m struggling to process the grief.
Every day feels like a challenge, and I often find myself overwhelmed with emotions. Some days, it feels like I can’t move forward, while on others, the weight of the pain is unbearable.
I want to be strong for my family, but inside I feel lost and uncertain about how to cope. I know I need help, but I’m not sure where to start or how to even take that first step toward healing.
I’m constantly trying to stay strong, but it’s exhausting. Any advice on how I can cope with my emotions and take small steps toward healing would mean the world to me right now.
— Coping With Grief
DEAR COPING WITH GRIEF: Your wound is still fresh. Give yourself time to heal.
Mental health professionals believe that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance; no matter what, people have to go through all of them.
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Harriette Cole: My friend died, and only then did I learn he wasn’t my friend
While we know that death is inevitable for all of us, that reality doesn’t make it easier when it happens to someone close to you. Allow yourself to experience whatever you are feeling.
It’s also important to get help. You can find a grief counselor through your house of worship, your primary care doctor’s referral or even through your insurance company. If you are ever feeling suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline/National Crisis Hotline at 800-273-8255. You do not have to experience this alone.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
