DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to deal with those relatives who constantly tease you, make fun of you and remind you of the stupid, mean things you did when you were young?
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Naturally enough, I avoid these relatives whenever possible. But there are inevitably two or three occasions every year when I am in their presence.
I have tried to laugh good-naturedly at these “jokes,” but as the years go by, their barbs seem less and less humorous and more mean-spirited. I did once confront one of them privately, just to be told I was “too sensitive.”
Although you could say I love these people, I don’t really like them anymore, and already I am dreading the next family function.
Since I have been dealing with this for decades now, I suppose I can continue to laugh and pretend it doesn’t bother me, but I am wondering if there is a polite, Miss Manners-approved way to respond.
GENTLE READER: Didn’t being sensitive used to be a virtue, not a fault? And insensitivity, such as haranguing others with the same tiresome criticisms, a fault?
No wonder you do not like these people whom you love.
Miss Manners begs you to stop laughing. Sure, they ought to be able to see that your laughter is strained, but they are insensitive, remember?
Instead of laughing, say, “Please give all that a rest. I don’t find it amusing.” This will, of course, bring on that charge of your being “too sensitive,” to which Miss Manners suggests that you reply, “Yes, I am sensitive. So please stop.”
And perhaps, if there are repeats, “You know you’re stepping on my sensitivity, right?”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is still good friends with her ex-boyfriend. We never met the ex’s parents. For Christmas, they gifted us with lots of expensive candies and chocolates.
We do not want a relationship with them, and receiving the gifts was awkward. I wrote them a short and sweet thank-you note.
Is this enough? I don’t want to be rude, but if I give them something in return, that might open the door to a relationship that we are not looking for.
GENTLE READER: Are you quite sure that nobody else involved is hoping for a relationship? Not just the parents — which seems likely, from their approach — but their son? And perhaps even your daughter?
Miss Manners is not suggesting that you need to enter into a mutual exchange of presents. Thanking them is, indeed, enough. However, you might inject a tiny bit of warmth into that note, just in case.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently in the market for an evening tailcoat. Of the several I have found, some have a notched lapel, while others have a peaked lapel.
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Which is more proper for a white-tie function? Which is historically correct — or are they both acceptable?
GENTLE READER: Peaked lapels.
Miss Manners congratulates you on having been invited to a splendid New Year’s Eve party — or perhaps on your new job as the conductor of a symphony orchestra. Or as a headwaiter.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
