DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been to several weddings over the last few years, and I’ve noticed a trend.
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Do the groomsmen have no responsibilities to the bride and groom before, during or after the ceremony these days?
Other than giving a quick speech or toast to the happy couple, the groomsmen are not to be found anywhere. Not helping the groom, fetching things, gathering family members for that amazing sunset picture, holding doors open, or any other last-minute tasks that may come up during the festivities.
I find this odd and unsettling. I’ve found myself stepping in to hold the groom’s beverage while he is in candid pictures with friends and family, or helping the bride navigate a narrow flower-lined pathway in her long dress. I’ve even helped elderly family members to their seats.
Aren’t these things the groomsmen should be tasked with doing?
GENTLE READER: Do the bridesmaids know about this?
Miss Manners hears so many sad tales from exploited bridesmaids that the position sounds less like an honor than a form of indentured servitude — but one in which those serving are dunned for expenses.
But come to think of it, she never hears such complaints from groomsmen. If they are not saddled with excessive tasks and expenses, so much the better.
However, they represent the bridegroom, who should instruct them to do minor hostly jobs — including those you mention, as well as socializing with any stranded guests.
As with bridesmaids, the time to mention expectations is before they sign on.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I saw a theatrical production that was written by, and starred, a friend of a friend.
This person used to live in our city. Our mutual friend suggested we convey their greetings after the show.
My wife was very reluctant to do so, but I was not. The star was incredibly happy to see us and to receive our friend’s greetings.
We chatted for a long time about the production, joined by other cast members who also knew our mutual friend. They all said it was a pleasure to see somebody from home.
The production itself was truly wonderful, so it felt great to be able to tell those involved firsthand how much we enjoyed it and what the experience meant to us. To anyone in a similar situation, wondering what to do, I say go for it!
GENTLE READER: Your wife had a case of backstage fright, which is understandable. What if she hadn’t liked the show?
Backstage etiquette is not easy. Honest criticism is rude, and insincere praise is — well, insincere. (It should be noted, however, that insincerity is not the major moral transgression some make it out to be. In many cases, it is preferable to the full unloading of every thought and feeling, no matter how harmful.)
You were fortunate in being able to offer honest praise. But how should you handle cases where the show is so awful that you just cannot choke out kind words?
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Miss Manners has resorted to “That was something!” or a simple “Wow,” with hand over heart.
One time, with a particularly egotistical playwright who would have prowled for more, she got away with, “You must be so proud.” Later, someone who had overheard this said that Miss Manners was due a Tony Award for delivering that line.
[The letter above may have been prompted by a question to Miss Manners concerning a “famous American actress” in a London play.]
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
