DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in downtown Houston and regularly walk through the underground network of tunnels to escape the heat between appointments.
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Most of the time, I notice people follow standard traffic rules: walking on the right side, e.g.
However, I sometimes see groups of businesspeople walking shoulder-to-shoulder, as if they’re off to see the Wizard of Oz. It is reminiscent of teenagers navigating a school hallway.
The way these groups block the path, a collision was inevitable, and it happened recently. A woman clipped my shoulder, then loudly exclaimed, “Excuse you! Can’t you see we’re walking here?!”
Her entire group turned to look at me, as if I was at fault for simply existing in “their” world. Not knowing what else to say, I replied, “The tunnels are for everyone,” before walking away to my next appointment. As I left, I heard the woman yell, “RUDE!”
What do you recommend I should have said or done in that situation?
GENTLE READER: “I’m afraid there was just no way through.”
Miss Manners suggests you omit, “… and I need to see the Wizard,” however tempting it may be.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I participate in a regular online exercise class, in which all the clients are veterans — and mostly men. I am usually the only woman in the group.
Participants generally sign on several minutes early to chitchat, and the host (a woman) greets everyone as she sees them.
My irritation is that she greets all the men as “Mr.,” and me by my first name. Everyone’s screen names include both first and last names, and none are particularly difficult to pronounce, so I don’t understand the difference in addressing us. The participants are all older than she is, so it isn’t a matter of showing respect for elders.
I can imagine several possible reasons for this:
— She feels more chummy with me, as the only other woman present.
— She is unconsciously more respectful of the men.
— I’m not seen as a peer of the other veterans because I’m “only” a woman (something encountered quite a bit on active duty, sadly).
— There is some subconscious self-distancing at play when talking to men vs. women.
She may not realize this can be off-putting, and might appreciate being told.
Should I email her to let her know? Should I change my screen name to “Miss So-and-so” — or even more snarkily, “Sergeant So-and-so” — as a not-so-subtle hint?
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I’m conflicted about even asking this. Ironically, one of my joys after retiring was to finally be called by my first name again.
GENTLE READER: Ironic indeed. Miss Manners suggests a non-snarky reason that is not on your list: that this woman may not know which honorific you use (Miss, Ms. or Mrs.) and is afraid to guess.
Listing your preferred honorific, or your rank, as your screen name would certainly make the point. If she asks you about it or seems taken aback, you may helpfully say, “I just noticed that you prefer to call people by their last names, so I wanted to alert you to mine.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
