Dear Eric: Yesterday I rode my bicycle to the Newport Beach City Hall to get a new parking pass for my car.
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I was standing next to my bicycle by the entrance when an earnest, polite young lady came up to me and engaged me in a conversation. She asked me if I was homeless and needed a referral to a shelter.
I’m a retired 72-year-old lawyer living on Balboa Island, riding a $5,000 bicycle in my cycle clothes.
What’s an appropriate response? Should I get angry? Should I question her motives? Should I be supportive to her? Should I dress better?
– Puzzled Cyclist
Dear Cyclist: An appropriate response in this case would be, “Are you affiliated with an organization that helps people experiencing homelessness? Because I have the means to contribute, and I’d like to be of service to my community.”
Dear Eric: Christmas is a very difficult time for me, and for years I didn’t celebrate as I don’t have any close family, and it only brought back painful memories.
I moved a couple years ago and found a very great group of friends that have quickly become my chosen family. I was determined to take back how I felt about Christmas and began to host a Christmas dinner.
I love to cook so I make pretty much everything for my friend group. I’ve done this for three years now (same group of people every year, too), and it’s been such a godsend and has made me enjoy Christmas again, finally.
This past one, a couple of my friends asked on the day of the dinner if they could bring a friend or two or three, and I politely said, “I am sorry, but this is more of a family-style Christmas dinner, and I only want my family around me.”
I felt bad but, to me, this is my family, and since I am making everything I already accounted for everyone who RSVP’d.
Did I handle this appropriately? How should I go about this my next one to make sure everyone knows it is invite-only? I feel that if it were a Christmas party it would be OK to be “the more the merrier” but this is different.
– Christmas Confusion
Dear Christmas: Good for you for finding a healthy way to reframe a difficult holiday. The work you did is really wonderful.
It’s generous of you to host everyone and prepare the whole meal yourself. Your chosen family is lucky to have you.
You were completely right to keep the guest list limited to those you intended to invite. Not only is a day-of ask hard to negotiate logistically, but additional guests would change the event.
Because a couple of your friends made the ask, as opposed to one, it’s a good idea to talk about it one-on-one outside of the Christmas season. You can acknowledge that you had mixed emotions about turning down the requests and also give them some insight into the way you’re thinking about your Christmas dinner.
Even if they already know they’re family and that this dinner has been transformational, it won’t hurt to hear it again. It also gives them the opportunity to let you know of any friends that feel like family to them, whom you may want to consider for next year.
Dear Eric: I don’t know if this is an issue with others, or if I’m just oversensitive.
My partner and I have several pets and we’ve been together for many years. She frequently gushes to them, “I love you. I love you!!!!”
This is great but she never says this to me. Am I being a wimp because I would like some of the same affection?
– Second Best
Dear Best: If it’s wimpy to want to know that we’re loved, then every single one of us on Earth is a wimp. It’s good that you’re feeling your feelings and you’ve been able to identify a need.
Remember, however, that love for pets is different from love for a partner. (Not necessarily lesser – just different.) So, you’re not in competition with your partner’s pets nor should you think of her declarations of love as a personal affront.
Instead, talk with her about the ways you express love for each other.
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Maybe she thinks of herself as showing love in other ways, like through actions or gestures. Maybe she doesn’t know that you’d like to hear those three big words sometimes, too. And ask yourself if you’re telling her that you love her, too.
Then try out ways of expressing love that you both can hear, receive, and feel good about.
It may take some trial and error. But remember, no matter how long you’ve been together, it’s never too late to make an adjustment as the relationship changes and grows.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
