DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married to the same man for 40 years. He has recently decided that opening doors for me, serving me first at dinner, and other forms of respect and thoughtfulness are “sexist.”
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I fix dinner for him daily, do his laundry, etc. — all of the things that a “traditional wife” does. I recently retired from a great career and am no slouch when it comes to work.
Is he right? I’m hurt and disappointed.
GENTLE READER: Fun times ahead at your place! Miss Manners is sorry to miss watching your husband’s face as he keeps discovering what it is costing him to stop opening doors for you.
He is right that many gender-specific practices are fading away. But he is unwise to mandate such changes without your consent.
Surely you had some working arrangement all these years: You have cooked and laundered, and presumably he did tasks that were considered “manly” — servicing the car, mowing the lawn and shoveling snow, perhaps. Maybe even doing the taxes. It is quaint now even to think that way.
Between you, you could each stop performing these “traditional” tasks and bring your household to a standstill.
But the little gestures you mention are in a different category. They are symbolic, not practical. Of course you are capable of opening doors. And distinguishing behavior by gender would be damaging in a professional setting.
In private and social life, however, such customs often linger because they have acquired a certain charm. That is why, for example, a high-powered executive still might want her father to “give her away” at her wedding.
You might want to tell your husband that as the female in the marriage, you will decide what is sexist and what is harmlessly charming. You might pick his next laundry day to do so.
[The Ask Amy column addressed a husband who had gone even further in deciding what would offend his wife.]
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was married last June, and apparently she has not written her thank-you notes yet.
She insists that she has a year to write them, and says that that’s what Miss Manners wrote.
I cannot find where you addressed this issue. So, please, could you give us your ruling? How long after receiving a wedding gift does the happy couple have to write their thank-you notes?
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GENTLE READER: Please ask your daughter to stop libeling Miss Manners. She does not countenance the extreme rudeness of ignoring a wedding present for up to a year, and she has stated this a thousand times.
Thanks should be expressed immediately upon receiving a gift. But not to be too rigid about it, Miss Manners will allow 20 minutes for the recipient to find pen and paper.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When planning a party, I am sure many of us could agree it is stressful trying to get an accurate head count. How do you get the people you invited to respond in a timely fashion?
GENTLE READER: An excellent question. Please let Miss Manners know when you come up with an answer.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
