DEAR HARRIETTE: What do you think of “right person, wrong time” when it comes to romantic relationships?
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An ex and I keep finding our way back to each other — not in an on-and-off kind of way, but in times of need or celebration, we always end up helping each other or supporting each other in one way or another.
Whether it’s job references, catering an event, helping each other’s families or periodic perfectly timed check-ins, we always seem to be there for each other despite general and consistent distance. Am I in denial?
— Too Comfortable
DEAR TOO COMFORTABLE: Clearly there’s a “there” there in this relationship.
Some bonds change in dynamics over time. The two of you may not be destined to be lovers, but since obviously there’s something keeping you together at pivotal moments, you can acknowledge and be grateful for that.
Why not sit down and talk about it? Speak about the elephant in the room. Ask what you want and need from each other and if these seemingly happenstance encounters are enough, or if you want to try to see if there’s more to your bond.
Speak to each other as mature adults who have the capacity to make sound decisions about something as valuable as your friendship. This is key, as sometimes mature people lose their strength and focus when dealing with love relationships. Don’t do that.
You two obviously have something special between you. Discover together how best to nurture that in respectful and loving ways. Don’t believe you have to follow any particular prescription for what your relationship ultimately looks like. Just figure it out together.
DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my good friends has retreated completely. Last year her best friend passed away, and I think that loss is taking a major toll on her.
At first, she was holding up all right, but now she doesn’t really respond to me or any other friends. I don’t think she’s active physically or socially, aside from work.
I know grief can be overwhelming, so I worry about her. Would it be invasive to pop up at her home and check on her?
— Tucked Away
DEAR TUCKED AWAY: Looking out for friends during tender times is a sign of true friendship and compassion. By all means, go to check on this person. She may not like it, but your overture could be the lifeline she needs.
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People handle grief in many ways. It can seem impossible to go on for some people when key loved ones die. For this friend to see that you care about her right now may mean the world to her.
After that initial wellness check, do your best to coax her out of the house.
Invite her for tea. Suggest that you two go for a walk or visit a museum. Simple activities that don’t cost much but that require human interaction can be healing for someone deep in grief.
Give her the opportunity to talk about how she’s feeling, and let her know that you’re there for her.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
