Dear Amy: My wife and her sister “Bobbi” have stopped speaking to each other over a disagreement that has now lasted for more than two years.
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Our families live on opposite coasts, so communication has always relied on phone/video calls.
During the pandemic, my wife made a particular effort to schedule video calls for our young children with their Aunt Bobbi (whom they have only seen in person once or twice).
Before one such scheduled call, my wife informed Bobbi that the kids weren’t feeling well and canceled the call. Bobbi was very upset, and what followed was an angry and hurtful exchange based on various unresolved feelings (both related and unrelated), ultimately leading to the complete and mutual estrangement.
As a consequence, no further video calls with the kids were scheduled.
Bobbi then emailed me, characterizing my wife’s half of their estrangement as “blocking her access to the kids,” and expecting me to establish for her regular communication with our children.
I found this to be awkward and unreasonable, and suggested that she make an effort to repair her relationship with her sister. However, Bobbi was insulted by this suggestion, and now she is not responding to me, either!
Silent treatment notwithstanding, Bobbi still sends messages to my email address that she intends for our children (happy birthday, etc).
I’ve replied and thanked her each time, including a civil message hoping to tee up an easy response. She hasn’t once replied to me.
I am befuddled and hurt by her expectations of maintaining a relationship with our kids but refusing to have one with their parents. As a result, I’ve stopped showing the emails to the kids.
This doesn’t feel like a good way to handle the situation, but I don’t know what else to do.
Any advice?
– Befuddled
Dear Befuddled: I applaud your efforts to mediate some sort of uneasy peace between these sisters.
You seem to have done your utmost to encourage Bobbi to behave in a minimally respectful way – first toward your wife and now toward you – but she is obviously not willing to engage in even a superficial and cordial exchange with you.
I agree that passing these emails along to your children presents a tough dilemma.
I’m going to hedge and suggest that you remind your sister-in-law of your wife’s email address, and subsequently give any messages sent to you (for the kids) to your wife and let her make the decision of whether to pass them to the children.
More siblings are now engaging in therapy together in order to try to heal estrangements. With the magic of telehealth, this can be done remotely. These two sisters need it.
Most of all, I hope that you and your wife will take this as a challenge to teach your children healthy ways to communicate, especially when they are in conflict.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. His late wife was a wonderful woman. They were together for 30 years before her sudden death.
He still has a copy of their wedding photo on the wall in the bedroom we share.
I am not happy about it. I expressed my concerns; however, it is still up.
What should I do? Do you think he is still grieving?
– Concerned
Dear Concerned: Grief isn’t an all-or-nothing state but tends to walk through a person’s daily life. Grief … passes through.
You’ve expressed your concerns about having this photo in your bedroom (and I can see why that would be a concern), but you don’t seem to have offered any alternatives. Is there another place in the house where the photo could be integrated into a larger story of your guy’s life, featuring other photos from your pasts, as well as those of your shared life?
I hope you’ll make some reasonable suggestions.
Dear Amy: “Want to Help” was feeling awkward about how to help a family member diagnosed with cancer.
When I was diagnosed (stage three), it seemed as if everybody became tongue-tied.
Those who asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?” usually never wound up being helpful, only because I had a hard time asking for what I needed.
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However, I guarantee that if someone point-blank asked, “When can I pick up your laundry?” I would have been so relieved.
I say, hold the hand that needs to be held and wipe down the counter covered in crumbs – or the cheek covered in tears.
– Been There
Dear Been There: Beautiful. Thank you.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
