Dear Amy: You recently ran a question from “Jake from PA,” who was hurt because his adopted daughter wanted to reach out to her biological family members.
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I would share that knowing the truth about a person’s DNA is vital.
When my adult son’s friend “Jack” introduced me to his mother “Janet,” she freaked out. Memory jogged and, to shorten a very long story, I am Jack’s father.
Janet denies it, but I can actually name the date she and I were together – nine months (to the day) prior to his birthday.
It has not gone well, but at least the truth is out there. And truthfully, we have a lot of family health issues Jack should address, or make sure his own daughter is checked for.
I know this creates challenges for people, but the truth is the truth.
– Been There
Dear Been There: You make very good points, but without DNA testing, it isn’t actually a certainty that you are Jack’s biological father.
As I have often stated, I believe that knowing the truth about one’s DNA is a basic human right.
Dear Amy: On this recent Mother’s Day, my 50+ daughter once again asked to bring a new boyfriend to our home for a small family holiday gathering she’d been invited to. We had never met him.
It has been a pattern for her to date someone for only a few weeks, want to bring him to a special family event or holiday, when he is a complete stranger to us, and then break up with him a few weeks later.
I have said yes to this in the past, but the situation wasn’t comfortable for me and other family members, including her adult children.
This time I said no. She responded by refusing to join us.
Was I wrong to say no?
I want to support her, but it’s stressful for me to keep dealing with her various boyfriends, and I’m tired.
If she ever finds someone for a stable, long-term relationship, we’d be thrilled for her, but I doubt this is going to happen.
Any ideas?
– Exhausted
Dear Exhausted: Bringing a stranger into your home for a family-oriented holiday meal is tough on you, and – quite possibly – tough on the new person.
I wonder if your daughter is using these family events (even unconsciously) as a way to quickly “vet” these men she chooses to date. Doing this might explain the post-party breakups.
My idea is that you should communicate the following to your daughter: “We have no problem with you dating anyone you want to date. If you like someone and want us to meet him, let’s do this in a casual way – over coffee or for a cookout at your house. If you are really into someone, we can understand why you’d want to invite him to a bigger family get-together, and after we meet him casually, we’ll be happy to consider including him, the way we include other partners.”
Dear Amy: “Hoping for Companionship” is a 77-year-old widow who asked about jumping into the dating pool.
Your suggestions: Go to a museum? A coffee shop? Jeez, we’re old – not dead! Why not suggest picking out funeral urns?
What’s wrong with playing nine rounds of golf, going fishing, watching your grandkids play sports? How about attending a street fair, county fair, mini-golf, or going to a karaoke establishment? Do something fun and different.
My mom was 84 and was dancing at polka parlors until her death. She met men but dropped them when they’d say, “Oh, I go to bed at 9, so I can’t go out that late!”
Museum equals boring! I did that enough when my kids were small.
If they have a health restriction, moving might be helpful. I’m not saying they should kayak down the rapids or join a pickleball team, but it is possible, I guess.
Who pays the bill? Easy! One pays for dinner, the other tips generously. One pays for the show, the other buys the snacks.
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If funds are limited, they could watch a minor league baseball game. Go to a farmers market, rent a movie and order a pizza, pick apples and make a pie. My gosh, the sky’s the limit, so put away the bingo cards and enjoy life!
– Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: Thank you for your great ideas.
I’ve been a lifelong geezer, so I suggested first-date activities that are simple and inexpensive and which I happen to enjoy.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
