DEAR HARRIETTE: I am concerned about my boyfriend’s increasing interest in a toxic influencer who promotes harmful beliefs about women.
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This person from our high school recently went viral for his controversial views on polyamory and masculinity, advocating for it by showing his lifestyle of having three live-in partners at once.
I noticed my boyfriend watching his videos and, despite my initial dismissal, I now fear that his perspective is being influenced.
When I confronted him about sharing one of the posts on Facebook, he brushed it off and told me to mind my own business. He yelled that we should not dictate who the other gets to follow.
I am unsure of how to address this situation and would appreciate some advice.
— Brainwashed Boyfriend
DEAR BRAINWASHED BOYFRIEND: Don’t let your boyfriend’s brush-off work. Tell him that you two need to have a serious conversation.
Yes, he is right in saying that you shouldn’t police his social media engagement. At the same time, you are legitimately concerned that he seems to condone behavior that is troubling to you and goes against your values.
Ask him directly what his thoughts are on having multiple partners and if this is something he wants to do. Because you want to learn the truth, do your best to ask him in a way where he won’t feel he’s being lectured.
Ask him if he has ever been in a relationship with more than one person at a time. What is his ideal relationship? Get him to talk about his thoughts on the subject.
It could be that he is just fascinated by a person who is an extremist. What you want to watch for is if he actually wants to try this. If you don’t, you need to make that completely clear.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister is going through a divorce to a man she was married to for 20 years, and she’s having a hard time coping. She feels overwhelmed, sad and uncertain about her future.
She has always been a strong and independent person, but this situation has really taken a toll on her emotional and mental well-being. She often expresses feelings of loneliness and fear about what lies ahead.
I want to be there for my sister, but I’m unsure how to support her without intruding or making her feel worse.
I’ve been trying to offer my help by listening to her and providing emotional support whenever she needs it. However, I often feel like I’m not doing enough or that my efforts aren’t making a significant difference.
She seems to be stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and despair, and it’s heartbreaking to see her like this. I want to help her navigate her emotions and the practical challenges she’s facing, but I also want to respect her space and independence.
— Sister in Need
DEAR SISTER IN NEED: You are not a therapist nor a mental health professional; therefore, you do not have the skills to do more than you are doing now to help your sister. Your job is to love and support her.
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Listening is excellent. Listening without commenting is great, too, because you do not have the answers. And even if you did, your sister might not listen to you.
You can invite her to do fun things with you that may take her mind off of her worries. Also, suggest that she get a therapist to help her navigate this tough time.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
