DEAR HARRIETTE: Am I being selfish for pointing out to my girlfriend that she will not always be the top priority in our relationship, which is a reality due to my commitments as a performer and dancer?
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Often, the group requires us to relocate to another state for monthslong event preparations, leaving me with limited communication time as production demands are intensive. Exhaustion and lack of cellular service also contribute to communication challenges during these periods.
Her negative reaction to my explanation has me questioning if continuing the relationship is viable, or if it’s best to let go.
— Performer Boyfriend
DEAR PERFORMER BOYFRIEND: Try wording your reality a little differently.
Perhaps it is not that she loses the role of being top priority, but more that the demands of your job create limitations on your availability.
Just like a firefighter cannot answer the phone when they are fighting a fire, a surgeon cannot pick up while in the operating room or an operator in a call center cannot talk to you when in queue to answer other calls, you cannot talk when you are in production. This doesn’t mean you love her less; it means you are busy.
Consider using the BeReal app that prompts you to send each other pictures once a day. This will at least remind her that you are thinking of her.
DEAR HARRIETTE: You gave “Empty Nest,” the woman with grown children and a workaholic husband good advice to discuss their altered life together.
I would also tell her to go do things on her own — take classes, join a book club, learn a new hobby. She could get a pet or volunteer at an animal rescue, food bank, hospital or school.
You can find joy when you meet new people with similar interests. Best of all, helping others makes you feel good.
— Retired Medical Librarian
DEAR RETIRED MEDICAL LIBRARIAN: Being responsible for your own happiness is the name of the game!
Often, when people retire or their children leave or other big changes occur in life, they turn to their spouses to handle the moment.
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I remember when my father retired, he started following my mother around wherever she went. The day that he decided to accompany her to the hairdresser was the day she put her foot down and told him he had to find something else to do! He ended up volunteering for an organization that he had once worked with. He became busy. The group benefited from his expertise, and my mother no longer had a stalker!
As time passed, the two of them discovered things they could do together that they had never even considered before. It was lovely to see a whole new romance blossom between them. It took both of them finding a new way of interacting.
I love your idea of finding your own way to be content. That positive attitude is attractive and can do wonders for inviting your own partner to want to spend more time with you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
